“What’s that?” is usually one of the first questions you get from your little ones. It is usually pronounced “Waz dat?” and it is said 50 million times a day. Everything needs a label. It is instinctive. One of the first jobs on Adam’s resume was that he was a namer of things. We have an insatiable need to apply labels, categories, status, and importance to things as a way of ordering our world. One of the biggest and strangest losses that happened for me through the divorce was a loss of a lot of my social identity. I could no long identify myself the way I had for almost 20 years.
About 5 months after “Bob” moved out of the house I took the mature step of running away from home. Literally. I packed my bags and headed to Turkey for three weeks. Long story but great photos. Going somewhere where you are a complete stranger is an amazing feeling of relief because you can escape your life and your identity. The flip side is I didn’t have a clue how to introduce myself anymore. It was literally like having little fingers point at you saying “What’s that?” and I had no idea what to tell them. “What do you do for a living?”. How do you explain that you’ve been a mom and a housewife and created a stable world and safe environment for a family. You’ve volunteered at the church and for community groups, you’ve been a neighbour, daughter, sister, wife and mom. You battled illness, lost loved ones and survived. I’d been growing as an artist but it wasn’t paying any bills. Before I became a mom I had a career as a medical social worker, owned a car and a home, paid my bills, and was an active member of my church. I realized that people would be uncomfortable without being able to label me, but my labels didn’t apply anymore. I was not “Bob’s” other half. I wasn’t a house”wife”. I’d been downsized. I was a floater.
I was still a mom but even that was threatened as I faced the real possibility of not being able to be with my son at future events and holidays if it wasn’t “my turn”. All my head and heart could do was marvel at how could it not be my turn? In the church I was no longer the helper but someone that was seen as needing help. Even my name, the name I’d been given 18 years ago was no longer mine. My labels washed away.
One of the great things about travel was that I realized it was time to pick my own labels. I was at a loss but I stepped out and said only one thing. “I’m Deborah and I’m happy to meet you.”
I had nothing else to share. What I got in return was the amazing treat of being able to listen and learn without labels dictating the relationships I developed
or how people interacted with me. There were no presuppositions. I walked free of my past and got a chance to see myself through another culture and new people with no kinship to me through any church, nationality, profession or age. I learned things about me and others that I couldn’t have seen while being neatly positioned in my boxes. I found new labels. I had little women in headscarves come up to me and pat me on the cheeks and tell me my face was sweet. I had children crawl onto my lap and decide that that is where they would have their dinner.(The picture is of a little dutch boy who adopted me at one meal and just nestled in. Children are well loved in Turkey and they feel the acceptance). I was invited by families for tea, then dinner, then to stay and was declared Turkish. I was embraced and was given the gift of being labeled as still alive.
Sometimes I still look in the mirror and think, “What’s that?” but now I know that it is different than what I’ve been or what I’ll become and I’m determined to only keep the names that matter. In Him I am dearly loved. That’s stone cold truth. I don’t know why but I’ll take it. The same goes for you too. Don’t argue just run with it!
Maybe you have been given a label that was wrong or hurtful. Choose a new one from God. Refuse to be defined by names that are not yours. Write them down and burn them. It is time to choose your own name. Ask God to give you that name. See what He brings to you. Ask friends that love you to give you five names/words that is true of the real you. With much love, Deb
faithandlifeafterdivorce 
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