O.K. I feel a rant coming on. I swear it isn’t my fault. Yesterday I was stuck waiting in a doctor’s office and was subjected to a canned bad remix of Sinatra’s “My Way”. The lyrics at the best of times set my teeth on edge but this should have been banned under the Geneva convention. Besides being made to feel like I was trapped in an elevator I just can’t get on board with the whole premise. The dramatic message of the song is that the highest value is to be true to yourself and to do things your way, but there’s a problem. What if someone in their heart of hearts, at the core of their being is a stinking weasel? Why is being true to that a good thing? I’m thinking that who we are should not always be the marker by which we set the bar. Be honest, for some of the people you’ve met that bar would be subterranean, yet we accept the concept of “to thine own self be true” without critical reflection.
Since my divorce (that word still gives me the shivers) I have been given a fair bit of self love advice. I admit that I have the occasional committment issues with self love as I know myself too well but all in all there is an abiding fondness. What worries me is that the goal of these “love yourself” books and talks seem to border on stalkerish behaviour. I think that knowing yourself and finding the things you enjoy about yourself is good. You spend a lot of time with you and having a nice working relationship is helpful. Being infatuated with your every thought or action, putting yourself on a pedestal that says that everything you do, say or think is magnificent, is delusional.
Self esteem is a thorny issue. You need to believe in your own decisions, opinions, tastes and values. You need to know who you are and find your voice. The problem is the wholesale acceptance of everything you are without any critical assessment. Have you really reached your end goal? Really? There is no tweaking to be done? I’ve yet to meet the person who couldn’t use a little emotional nip or tuck.
I’m an artist and there is a brilliant story teller Ira Glass. In a little video series he talks about the gap between your taste and your output. http://youtu.be/BI23U7U2aUY (If this link doesn’t work go to YouTube and look up Ira Glass on Storytelling, part 3 or 4).
Part of his point is to know your goals, produce work, acknowledge the gap and keep on producing until you’ve narrowed the gap. He also says that it wil take a long time to get from here to there. It’s the same with personal, emotional and spiritual growth.
I think this applies to self esteem. Loving yourself doesn’t mean that you are the finished product and ready for worship. I really hate the whole attitude of, “Well this is me and if that isn’t good enough for you then watch my dust as I leave because I’m perfect the way God made me.” If I was truly the way God made me that would be great but I’ve done some alterations of my own and maybe some self assessment isn’t unwarranted. I go to church because I need to. We need people to love us as we are but that doesn’t mean that some of our behaviours and attitudes don’t need adjustment.
A couple of days ago in a post called “Walls” I quoted from Isaiah 58: 11,12. It talked about God guiding and restoring and rebuilding in our lives. It is a wonderful thing to soak in. What I didn’t include were verses 9 and 10. There were conditions on these blessings. They called for personal corrections. It talked about what you needed to do and stop doing.
” If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.”
Hhm. No making others pay for our pain. No yelling, blaming or bitter talk. Be useful and helpful. Look to the needs of others. Don’t you love that phrase, “then your light will rise in the darkness”? How can you not want that? Here is the blue print and it has nothing to do with making yourself the center. The opposite behaviour is the way out.
In the name of self esteem it doesn’t mean that we are the gold standard of all we could or ever should be. What if we have our own stinking weaselisms (that word is probably going to give my spell checker a nervous breakdown)? Maybe I’m just talking to myself but especially in the church we have to be able to be transparent withourselves. I will never understand why anyone who has been forgiven could ever twist it to the point where they think that they are the example to be followed. So many of the disagreements in the church come down to the fact that we want others to worship and serve and pray as we do in order for the other person to be correct.
One of my favorite quotes is that real evangelism is one beggar showing another beggar where to find bread. I have no defence. If you look to find fault in me you won’t have to try too hard. We were saved by perfection. We are not perfection, and that’s O.K..
I’m also always leery of people who proclaim that they have bad self-esteem. I’ve always found it to be an excuse for really bad behaviour towards others. What it often means is they are upset that they aren’t treated as the lead dog of the pack and they resent it. In fact they have the opposite of bad self esteem. Their insecurities have to do with how they think they ought to be treated. Real low self esteem people rarely say a word. They don’t believe they have anything to say worth hearing. Those people break my heart. Telling them they need great self esteem is useless as they don’t see what is beautiful in themselves as they are fixated on their flaws.
Either way we fixate on what is broken or pretend that we are beyond being challenged. Neither brings healing or wholeness.
May I suggest a middle ground? What if we could see the pretty, shiny things inside, enjoy them and set goals for the other stuff? No hand wringing, no stomping out with an attitude, just a pinch of humility, a little light humored acceptance with a dose of reality? The “self” is a modern mythological god that is notoriously unreliable. Appreciate it as a work in progress get rid of the pressure of being a small “g” god. Make Isaiah 58:9, 10 a personal goal.
Now if I could just get that muzak out of my head! (The above cartoon is the cover of an “Agnes” book by Tony Cochran)
faithandlifeafterdivorce 
Sari McNamee said,
20/10/2011 at 9:56 am
Your writing is amazing. I hope someone picks up your blog and offers you a book deal.